drippedonpaper

If there was a bent and dent store, she wouldn't even be in the display window.

Look up "ideal female," and I don't believe any of her dimensions or life story would be anywhere in that article. Or the article after that.

I've learned a thing or two in life. Most of the things I learn these days aren't new concepts, it's more "Oh, that perspective I have wasn't actually reality."

But it's OK. I'm learning that maybe scarred and damaged is OK.

In 46 years, most of those I have loved have come and gone, whether metaphorically, momentarily, or in that never-ending dance of "now close, now distant, now close," but she, she never leaves. Never.

I only found joy after I learned to speak to her as I would my best friend. Not "you imbecile, of course you screwed up," but "I know you tried. You did your best."

Dare I say, sometimes I even admire her. Hey, she isn't going away. I have to admire determination.

"She" is me. I am learning to love me. I'm not "too tall," I'm Maria-sized.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but sometimes people actually prefer coffee. I'm going to rub some people wrong and, for both our sakes, let's just go find other friends. I don't need to prove my worth to everyone. I'm done with that.

I'm not the most flexible person in yoga class, but I've progressed from my performance yesterday.
I don't write best selling books, but sometimes I don't erase all my sentences. Just taking a deep breath and pressing "post" takes a lot of courage sometimes. I'm doing it, I'm here for it. Go me!

I'm trying to love myself. And I actually, I think of all my friendships and relationships, this one is actually 'til death do us part. Look at me, staying committed through thick and thin. I don't really have a choice, but half of life seems to be spinning the positive PR all over myself so I don't cry in a corner. Look at me go!

I'm learning to care for myself sometimes, so I have the emotional energy for tomorrow. I'm learning that life can throw complications at me at anytime so part of loving me means not pushing myself beyond my limits every single moment.

It's wise to have margins, to save a little strength in case I need it later. I've learned that much is certain: I'll definitely need strength later. Maybe not today, maybe not this week. But life is a series of catastrophes at times. If not now, it's coming. And you know who will be with me thru it all? You bet your biscuit, it's me, the one and only Maria! So why not try to be my own favorite person? Notice not "the most perfect person." Favorite doesn't need to equal perfection. Favorite like, "aw, there she is. She's a screw up, but she's my screw up. Let's see what she gets into tomorrow!"

I haven't been successful, really not at anything (yet?). But hey, I've found a lot of things that don't work, aren't right for me, or not the best fit for my life right now. So, I guess I'm a life-long learner. One might even say a collector of mistakes. And boy do I have some doozies. You would be impressed! I can collect mistakes, missteps, and I bet I have one of the longest lists ever of problems that I can't solve. I can't. And that's the answer. Lay it down. Who's problem is it? That substance is their choice to ingest or not. Their health is guess what? Theirs to care for. And who can fix that person's financial choices for the long term? Oh yeah, not me.

One of the best lessons I am learning is not to "strong woman" around, trying to fix everyone. I can (maybe) fix me. That's it. And that's going to take my whole life so stop, stop, stop annoying others by trying to change them in ways they can only change themselves.

Most of all, remember to dance. To be silly now and then. To add impish new lyrics to songs on the radio.
To laugh at the absurdity of me accepting myself when there isn't any reason to. I'm not gorgeous, rich, thin, or successful. I don't have an inspiring past or a marvelous dream.

My most marvelous dream, I guess, is that I can face myself in the mirror each night, that I can see progress, and that, by loving myself, I will feel nurtured so that nurturing can overflow to others.

You're not perfect. Neither am I. I've learned to love the imperfect in myself, so, come over here, you! Let's shake our heads at our past mistakes. Let me tell you all my mess-ups as a mother, as a teacher, as a wife, as a human. Let's laugh at how mind-boggling it is that, for some reason, the sun comes up every day, giving me another chance to see "Hey, can you make it today?" What a game, what a delightful farce life is! I'll either make today amazing or amaze myself at how well I can screw today up. Either way, I'll feel amazement. And I enjoy that feeling.

If nothing else, the crazy in today might make a good story tomorrow.

My biggest mistakes have been helpful. Because hey, today I didn't reply the way I wished I have while talking to J., and I didn't finish my "to do" list, but no one's in the hospital. I haven't twisted my ankle today. I'm here, breathing, hobbling forward to fight with life another day. I may be down, but I'm not out of the game. Not until I'm six feet under or ashes floating in the breeze.

All in all, today could be worse. Tomorrow could be better. And I'm never alone when I can love myself.