drippedonpaper

"Sankofa is an African word from the Akan tribe in Ghana. The literal translation of the word and the symbol is “it is not taboo to fetch what is at risk of being left behind."

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As I evolve and change and grow, I often walk away for moments or for years from pieces of myself. I make pronouncements, "That's it. I can't continue to interact with my parents" or "This friend isn't good for me."

I used to think anytime I slipped and let them back in, like visiting my father in the hospital after a health scare, as a "failure to hold to my values," but I've decided it's not. It's not taboo to revisit my past, whether that is past memories, past friends, or past failures. Many things I have left behind can be revisited. The important thing is to own it. I shouldn't let these thoughts, emotions, people, and memories control me or ruin my present. But it's not taboo to "go there again in my mind." It can even be healthy for me to visit an old memory in my imagination or to honor that, though someone I knew in the past shouldn't be in my future, I'm still allowed to enjoy the song or the recipe they taught me or introduced me to.

I can visit the past to rediscover new wisdom for my present and future. It's ok that, rather than fighting certain memories, I can choose to revisit them as "current me."
Mentally, I see "little me," crying and alone and feel the terror but, in my mind, "walk into" the memory as present-day me. Hug "little me." Tell her that one day she'll be 46, and will have actually found love and support and happiness. Tell her she will survive. Tell her this dark spot won't last for decades.

I spent a lot of my life avoiding what might trigger any bad memories, and hating certain names because I knew someone of that name and their part of my life isn't good.

But it's not taboo. I can still love that name. I don't have to throw away every gift someone gave me just because they aren't in my life anymore. The book they gave me holds a meaning ("they gave it for me for my birthday"), but I am allowed to create new meaning. I like the writing ideas in that book, I like reading it, and the book can become a new and different part of me.

I do believe that, in some ways, we create our own reality. Truly, there are things we cannot change. But I do have agency over what meaning I place on it. Creating new meaning is a new habit of thought I am trying to build into my life. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I guess the times in my life that felt the most scary is when I felt I had no power at all to change anything about my life or my circumstances. I still feel stuck at times. However, sometimes, I can change what these current circumstances mean (or at least what they mean to me.)

I didn't "settle for ____." I chose ___ as the best option at this point in my life.

Just reframing my inner dialogue about my life helps me the most.

So even though I have let my teaching license lapse, I can still mention that I used to teach. I'm allowed to miss certain students and remember them fondly. I'm allowed to remember the good moments.

Even though a big reason why I initially loved Star Trek was because I knew a guy in high school who also loved it and I felt we could bond over it, I'm still allowed to watch it, enjoy it, and enjoy it just for me. Just because I wanted to live those stories. Just because I still think it was great to see the world through Data's eyes. I don't have to leave my fandom behind.

I don't have to burn all my scrapbooks that I worked so hard on that have my ex-husband's photo in them. I don't have to see certain pages and hate him so much. I can think, "That was an interesting time in my life," and enjoy the other people in the photo. I don't have to scan them all, find a way to digitally remove him, reprint the photo and remake the page.

Life is getting too short for regrets. And, to be honest, it's also too short to voluntarily cut myself out of anything and any activity that might bring a little joy.

I don't have to leave all my regrets behind. I can still use our old Christmas tree and even some old ornaments. They are becoming part of my happy Christmases, layer upon layer of new memories shining on the glitter so I can reclaim some of them.

I'm me. In many ways, I'm starting over, but heck, I'm not starting from scratch. I don't have time for that. This is the brand new M, but part of what makes M so spicy are the flecks of past seasoning the new dish of me. It's not jambalaya if it's just white rice and shrimp. I'm not a blank slate, born 4 years ago.

Sure, in a way, I'm a haunted house, with spirits echoing around every corner but if you listen close, some of the murmurs are jokes and some of the echoes are laughter. I'm haunted by the ghosts of who I used to be, but it's more like a committee that I sometimes invite to the party. However, I'm in charge of the meetings, I decide when everyone goes home, and I may or may not take their input into account when I make decisions.

I'm me. Not everyone's first pick, and yes, a more tangled ball of yarn you never met, but like me, love me or can't stand me, I am me. There's a lot of layers and if we become friends, now and then I might show you my ever-changing treasure box full of the memories and emotions I decided not to leave behind.